About Men
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better
Why are men like laxatives?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
Husband:
I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife:
You wear briefs, don't you?
How do you keep a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
Women who think they are equal to men, lack ambition.
What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A mans undivided attention.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
How is a man like a snowstorm?
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good
looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the olympics?
He had it bronzed.
What's a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable."
Why do men love computers?
No matter what mood they are in, they can still get a floppy in.
How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to actually change it, and 3 friends to brag about how he screwed it.
How many men does it take to replace a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows....It's never happened.
Why did Moses wander the desert for fourty years?
He wouldn't ask for directions.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
How does a man show he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odours and don't work half the time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it gets interesting, they're finished until next time.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
So men can understand them.